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Once, when I was in prayer, I felt within
myself such great joy that, being unworthy of such a blessing, I began to
think how much more I deserved to be in the place which I had seen
prepared for me in hell; for, as I have said, I never forget the vision
which I once had of myself there. As I meditated in this way, my soul
began to be more vehemently enkindled and there came to me a spiritual
transport of a kind which I cannot describe. My spirit seemed to be
plunged into that Majesty of which I have been conscious on other
occasions, and to be filled with It. In this Majesty I was given to
understand a truth which is the fulfilment of all truths, yet I cannot
tell how, for I saw nothing. Someone said to me -- I could not see who,
but I was quite clear that it was the Truth Itself: "This that I am
doing for thee is no small thing, but one of the things for which thou art
greatly indebted to Me; for all the harm which comes to the world is due
to a failure to know the truths of Scripture in the clarity of their
truth, of which not a tittle shall fail."[357]
I thought that I had always believed this and that all the faithful
believed it. Then He said to me: "Ah, daughter, how few are they who
love Me in truth! If people loved Me, I should not hide my secrets from
them. Knowest thou what it is to love Me in truth? It is to realize that
everything which is not pleasing to Me is a lie. Thou dost not yet realize
this, but thou shalt come to see it clearly in the profit it will bring to
thy soul."
And, praised be the Lord, I have indeed
come to see it: since that time I have looked upon all that I do not see
being directed to the service of God as vanity and lies. I could not
explain how it is that I realize this or say how much I pity those whom I
see living in darkness with respect to this truth. From this, too, I have
derived other advantages which I shall here describe and many others which
I cannot. On the occasion referred to, the Lord said one special thing
which has been of the greatest help to me. I do not know how this
happened, for I saw nothing, but, in a way which I cannot explain, I
acquired an extreme fortitude so that I became most firmly resolved to
carry out with all my might the very smallest thing contained in the
Divine Scripture. I believe that there is no obstacle that could present
itself to me which I could not overcome.
From this Divine Truth,[358]
which was presented to me with out my knowing what it was or how it came,
there remained imprinted upon me one truth in particular. It gives me a
fresh reverence for God, by granting me a knowledge of His Majesty and
Power in a way which it is impossible to describe; but I can at least
understand that it is a great thing. It gave me a very great desire to
speak only of things which are very true and which go far beyond any that
are treated of in the world, and thus living in the world began to cause
me deep distress.[359] It
left me filled with a great tenderness, consoled and humbled. I thought,
without understanding how, that the Lord had now given me a great deal; I
had not the least misgiving lest it should be an illusion. I saw nothing,
but I understood what a great blessing it is to set no store by anything
that will not bring us nearer to God. Thus I understood what it is for a
soul to be walking in truth in the presence of Truth Itself. And what I
understood comes to this: the Lord showed me that He is Truth Itself.
All that I have been saying I learned,
sometimes by means of locutions, and sometimes without their
instrumentality -- and yet I grasped these latter things more clearly than
others which were told me in words. About this Truth I learned the
profoundest truths and more of them than if I had been taught them by many
learned men. I do not think learned men could ever have impressed upon me
so strongly or have shown me so clearly the vanity of this world. This
truth which I am referring to and which was taught me is truth in itself,
and is without beginning or end, and upon this truth all other truths
depend, just as all other loves depend upon this love and all other
greatnesses upon this greatness. This is an obscure way of putting the
clear truth which the Lord was pleased should be revealed to me. And what
the might of this Majesty must be when in so short a time it brings the
soul such great gain and leaves such things as this imprinted upon it! Oh,
my Majesty and Greatness! What art Thou doing, my Lord Almighty? Consider
to whom Thou art granting such sovereign mercies. Dost Thou not remember
that this soul has been an abyss of lies and an ocean of vanities and all
through my own fault? Thou hadst given me a nature which abhorred lying,
yet in many things I allowed myself to deal in lies. How, my God, can it
be thought fitting or tolerable for such great favours to be granted to
one who has deserved so ill of Thee?
On one occasion, when I was reciting the
Hours with the community, my soul suddenly became recollected and seemed
to me to become bright all over like a mirror: no part of it -- back,
sides, top or bottom -- but was completely bright, and in the centre of it
was a picture of Christ Our Lord as I generally see Him. I seemed to see
Him in every part of my soul as clearly as in a mirror, and this mirror --
I cannot explain how -- was wholly sculptured in the same Lord by a most
loving communication which I shall never be able to describe. This, I
know, was a vision which, whenever I recall it, and especially after
Communion, is always of great profit to me. It was explained to me that,
when a soul is in mortal sin, this mirror is covered with a thick mist and
remains darkened so that the Lord cannot be pictured or seen in it, though
He is always present with us and gives us our being; with heretics it is
as if the mirror were broken, which is much worse than being dimmed.
Seeing this is very different from describing it, for it cannot be
properly explained. But it has helped me a great deal and has also caused
me deep regrets at the many occasions when, through my faults, my soul has
become darkened and so I have been unable to see the Lord.
This vision seems to me a very beneficial
one for recollected persons, for it teaches them to think of the Lord as
being in the very innermost part of their soul. This is a meditation which
has a lasting effect, and, as I have said on other occasions, is much more
fruitful than thinking of Him as outside us, as certain books do which
treat of prayer, telling us where we are to seek God. This is particularly
well put by the glorious Saint Augustine, who says that neither in market
places[360] nor in
pleasures nor wheresoever else he sought Him did he find Him as he did
within himself.[361] It is
quite clear that this is the best way: we need not go to Heaven, nor any
farther than to our own selves, for to do that is to trouble the spirit
and distract the soul, without producing any great fruit.
There is one thing which happens in a deep
rapture and of which I want to give warning here: when the period has
passed during which the soul is in union and its faculties are wholly
absorbed -- and this period, as I have said, is short -- the soul will
still be recollected, and be unable, even in outward things, to return to
itself; two of the faculties -- memory and understanding -- will be quite
bewildered, and almost in a state of frenzy. This, as I say, sometimes
happens, especially at the beginning. It may, I imagine, be a result of
the inability of our natural weakness to endure such spiritual vehemence,
and of the weakening of the imagination. I know this happens to some
people. I should think it a good idea for them to force themselves to give
up prayer and to take it up again later, at some time when they have
leisure, for if they try to pray while in that state they may come to
great harm. And I have experience of this and of the wisdom of considering
what our health can bear.
In all this we need experience and a
director; for, when the soul has reached this stage, many things will
occur which it will need to discuss with someone. Yet, if it seeks such a
person unsuccessfully, the Lord will not fail it, for, even though I am
what I am, He has not failed me. I believe there are few who have acquired
experience of all these things, and without experience it is useless to
attempt to bring a soul relief -- one will bring it only disquiet and
distress. This the Lord will also take into account, for which reason it
is better, as I have said on other occasions, to discuss the matter with
one's confessor. All that I am saying now I have said already, but I do
not remember it very well, and I am sure the relations of penitent and
confessor, and the type of confessor to be chosen, are very important
matters, especially to women. The Lord gives these favours far more to
women than to men: I have heard the saintly Fray Peter of Alc‡ntara say
that, and I have also observed it myself. He would say that women made
much more progress on this road than men, and gave excellent reasons for
this, which there is no point in my repeating here, all in favour of
women.
Once, when I was in prayer, I saw, for a
very brief time and without any distinctness of form, but with perfect
clarity, how all things are seen in God and how within Himself He contains
them all. Describe this I cannot, but the vision remained firmly imprinted
upon my soul and is one of those great favours which the Lord has granted
me and which, when I remember the sins I have committed, cause me the
greatest confusion and shame. I believe, if it had been the Lord's will
for me to have seen this vision earlier, and if it had been seen by those
who offend Him, they would have neither the heart nor the presumption to
do so. I cannot say with certainty that I saw nothing, for, as I am able
to make this comparison, something must have been visible to me; but the
vision comes in so subtle and delicate a way that the understanding cannot
grasp it. Or it may be that I cannot understand these visions, which do
not seem to be imaginary, though there must be an imaginary element in
some of them; but, as they take place during raptures, the faculties are
unable, after the rapture is over, to form the picture which the Lord has
revealed to them and in which it is His will that they should rejoice.
Let us say that the Godhead is like a very
clear diamond, much larger than the whole world, or a mirror, like that
which symbolized the soul in my account of an earlier vision, except that
it is of a far sublimer kind, to which I cannot do justice. Let us
suppose, furthermore, that all we do is seen in this diamond, which is of
such a kind that it contains everything within itself, because there is
nothing capable of falling outside such greatness. It was a terrifying
experience for me, in so short a space of time, to see so many things at
once in the clear depths of that diamond, and whenever I think of it, it
is a most piteous reflection, that so many foul things, like my sins,
should have been pictured in that clearness and purity. So, whenever I
remember this, I do not know how to bear it and at that time I felt so
ashamed that I did not seem to know where to hide myself. Oh, that someone
could reveal this to those who commit the most foul and dishonourable sins
and could make them realize that their sins are not hidden; that,
committed as they are in His Majesty's own presence, God justly grieves
for them; and that we are behaving in His sight with the greatest
irreverence! I saw how truly one single mortal sin merits hell; it is
impossible to understand how grave an offence it is to commit such a sin
in the sight of such great Majesty and how alienated such things are from
His nature. And thus His mercy becomes ever the more clearly seen, for,
though He knows that we are doing all this, He none the less bears with
us.
This has also made me wonder, if one such
experience as this leaves the soul so terrified, what the Judgment Day
will be like, when His Majesty will reveal Himself to us clearly and we
shall see the offences we have committed. Oh, God help me, how blind I
have been! I have often been amazed at what I have written, but Your
Reverence must not be amazed except at my being still alive when I see
these things and consider what I am. May He Who has borne with me for so
long be blessed for ever.
Once when I was in prayer, and deep in
recollection, sweetness and quiet, I thought I was surrounded by angels
and very near to God. I began to entreat His Majesty for the Church. I was
shown what a great benefit would be conferred upon it in the latter days
by one of the Orders and by the fortitude with which its members would
uphold the Faith.[362]
Once when I was praying before the Most
Holy Sacrament there appeared to me a holy man whose Order had been to
some extent in a state of decline. In his hands he was holding a large
book; he opened this and told me to read a few words which were in large
and very legible print. "In the times to come," they said,
"this Order will flourish; it will have many martyrs."[363]
On another occasion when I was at Matins
in choir, I saw in front of me the figures of six or seven members of this
same Order, with swords in their hands. I take this to mean that they are
to defend the Faith. For at another time, when I was in prayer, my spirit
was carried away and I thought I was in a great field where many people
were fighting and the members of this Order were doing battle with great
fervour. They had lovely faces, quite lit up with zeal; many were
vanquished and laid low by them; others were killed. This, I thought, was
a battle against the heretics.
I have seen this glorious Saint several
times and he has told me various things and thanked me for praying for his
Order and promised to commend me to the Lord. I do not name these Orders.
If the Lord wishes it to be known which they are, He will make it clear,
and in that case the rest will not be offended. Each Order, and every
individual member of an Order should strive that the Lord may use it and
him to bless it so that it may serve Him in the Church's present great
necessity. Blessed are the lives which are spent in doing this.
I was once asked by someone to beg God to
tell him if he would be serving Him by accepting a bishopric.[364]
And after Communion the Lord said to me: When he has quite clearly and
truly realized that true dominion consists in possessing nothing, then he
may take it." By this He meant that anyone who is to hold a position
of authority should be very far from desiring or wishing for one, or at
least from trying to obtain one.
These and many other favours the Lord has
granted this sinner and still grants her continually. But there is no
need, I think, for me to describe any more of them, for from what I have
said can be gathered what progress my soul is making and how much
spirituality the Lord has given me. Blessed be He for ever, Who has had so
much care for me!
Once He told me, by way of consolation,
not to worry -- and He said this very lovingly -- for in this life we
could not always be in the same condition. Sometimes I should be fervent
and at other times not; sometimes I should be restless and at other times,
in spite of temptations, I should be tranquil. But I was to hope in Him
and not to be afraid.
One day I was wondering if I was too much
attached to the world because I was happy when I was with the people to
whom I speak about my soul and had an affection for them, and because,
when I see that anyone is a great servant of God, I always find comfort in
his company. And the Lord told me that if a sick man had been at death's
door, and attributed his recovery to a physician, it would be no virtue in
him to fail to thank him and not to love him. What would have become of
me, He continued, but for these people? The conversation of good people
never did any harm, and provided my conversation was always carefully
considered and virtuous I should not cease mixing with them, and I should
find that they would do me good rather than harm. This comforted me a
great deal, for I used sometimes to think myself over-attached to them and
would want to have nothing to do with them at all. The Lord would always
give me counsel about everything, even to the point of telling me how I
must deal with people who were weak and with certain others. He never
fails to look after me; sometimes I am distressed when I see of how little
use I am in His service and how I am obliged to spend so much more time
than I should like in a body as weak and miserable as mine is.
Once, when the time came for me to go to
bed, I was in prayer, and I was suffering very great pain and beginning to
experience my usual sickness. Seeing how tied I was to my body, yet how,
on the other hand, my spirit craved time for itself, I became so depressed
that I started to shed floods of tears and to be in great distress. This
happened not only once but, as I say, often: it seemed to make me
exasperated with myself, and whenever that happens I regard myself with
abhorrence. But as a general rule I do not think I regard myself so, nor
do I fail to do anything I see to be necessary for me. Please God I do not
often do more than is essential, though sometimes I am bound to. On this
occasion, as I say, when I was so distressed, the Lord appeared to me and
comforted me a great deal and said I was to do these things for love of
Him and to put up with everything, for my life was necessary now. I think
I have never found myself distressed since I resolved to serve this Lord
and Comforter of mine with all my might; for, though He would let me
suffer a little, He would comfort me in such a way that it is nothing to
me to desire trials. So there seems to me now to be no other reason for
living than this, and it is for this that I pray to God most earnestly. I
sometimes say to Him with my whole will: "To die, Lord, or to suffer!
I ask nothing else of Thee for myself but this." It comforts me to
hear a clock strike, for when I find that another hour of life has passed
away, I seem to be getting a little nearer to the vision of God.
At other times I am in a state in which I
do not feel I am alive and yet I do not seem to want to die[365]:
as I have said is frequently the case, I experience a kind of lukewarmness
and everything is dark as a result of the great trials I am suffering.
When the Lord was pleased that these favours which His Majesty is granting
me should become publicly known (which He told me some years ago would
happen), I was greatly troubled, and, as Your Reverence knows, it has
caused me no little suffering down to this very day, for everyone
interprets them as he likes. It has been a comfort to me that they have
become known through no fault of mine, for I have been very careful, and
at great pains, never to talk about them except to my confessors and to
people to whom I have known that my confessors have spoken about them:
this I have done, not from humility, but because it has distressed me to
speak of them even to my confessors. Now, however, though, out of a zeal
for righteousness, people may speak very ill of me, and others are afraid
to have anything to do with me or to hear my confessions, while still
others say all kinds of things to my face, I care about it -- glory be to
God! -- very little; for I believe the Lord has chosen this means of
helping many souls, and I know quite well how much the Lord Himself would
suffer for the sake of just one soul: I often call that to mind. I do not
know if it is for that reason that His Majesty has put me in this little
corner,[366] where I live
in such strict enclosure, and where I am so much like a dead thing that I
once thought nobody would ever remember me again. But this has not been so
to the extent that I should like, as there are certain people to whom I am
obliged to speak. Still, I am not in a place where I can be seen, so the
Lord seems to have been pleased at last to bring me to a haven, which I
hope in His Majesty will be a safe one.
As I am now out of the world, and my
companions are few and saintly, I look down upon the world as from above
and care very little what people say or what is known about me. I care
more about the smallest degree of progress achieved by one single soul
than for all the things that people may say about me; for, since I have
been here, it has been the Lord's will that this should become the aim of
all my desires. He has given me a life which is a kind of sleep: when I
see things, I nearly always seem to be dreaming them. In myself I find no
great propensity either to joy or to sorrow. If anything produces either
of these conditions in me, it passes so quickly that I marvel, and the
feeling it leaves is like the feeling left by a dream. And it is really
true that, if later I should want to be glad about that occasion of joy or
to feel sad about that cause for sorrow, I am no more capable of doing so
than is a sensible person of either grieving or glorying over anything he
may have dreamed. My soul has been awakened by the Lord from a condition
in which I used to feel as I did because I was neither mortified nor dead
to the things of the world; and His Majesty will not let me become blind
again.
It is thus, dear Sir and Father,[367]
that I live now. Your Reverence must beseech God either to take me to be
with Him or to give me the means of serving Him. May it please His Majesty
that what is written here may be of some profit to Your Reverence, for the
little opportunity I have of writing has made it a laborious task for me.
But the task will be a happy one if I have managed to say anything for
which one single act of praise will be made to the Lord. This alone would
make me feel rewarded, even were Your Reverence then to burn what I have
written immediately.
I should prefer it not to be burned,
however, before it has been seen by the three persons, known to Your
Reverence, who are or have been my confessors;[368]
for, if it is bad, it would be well that they should lose the good opinion
they have of me, and, if it is good, they are virtuous and learned men and
I know they will recognize whence it comes and praise Him Who said it
through me. May His Majesty ever keep Your Reverence in His hand and make
you so great a saint that your spirituality and light may enlighten this
miserable creature, so lacking in humility and so presumptuous as to have
dared to resolve to write upon subjects so sublime. May it please the Lord
that I may not have erred in this, for my intention and desire have been
to be accurate and obedient and I have hoped that through me some praise
might be given to the Lord, a thing for which I have prayed for many
years. And as no works which I have performed can accomplish this, I have
ventured to put together this story of my unruly life, though I have
wasted no more time or trouble on it than has been necessary for the
writing of it, but have merely set down what has happened to me with all
the simplicity and truth at my command.
May it please the Lord, since He is
powerful and can do what He will, that I may succeed in doing His will in
all things, and may He not allow this soul to be lost which so often, by
so many methods and devices, His Majesty has rescued from hell and drawn
to Himself. Amen.
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