XXXVI. FASTING AS
PENANCE
Day by day it became increasingly clear to me how very
difficult it was to bring up and educate boys and girls
in the right way. If I was to be their real teacher and
guardian, I must touch their hearts. I must share their
joys and sorrows, I must help them to solve the problems
that faced them, and I must take along the right channel
the surging aspirations of their youth.
On the release of some of the Satyagrahis from jail,
Tolstoy Farm was almost denuded of its inmates. The few
that remained mostly belonged to Phoenix. So I removed
them there. Here I had to pass through a fiery ordeal.
In those days I had to move between Johannesburg and
Phoenix. Once when I was in Johannesburg I received
tidings of the moral fall of two of the inmates of the
Ashram. News of an apparent failure or reverse in the
Satyagraha struggle would not have shocked me, but this
news came upon me like a thunderbolt. The same day I took
the train for Phoenix. Mr. Kallenbach insisted on
accompanying me. He had noticed the state I was in. He
would not brook the thought of my going alone, for he
happened to be the bearer of the tidings which had so
upset me.
During the journey my duty seemed clear to me. I felt
that the guardian or teacher was responsible, to some
extent at least, for the lapse of his ward or pupil. So
my responsibility regarding the incident in question
became clear to me as daylight. My wife had already
warned me in the matter, but being of a trusting nature,
I had ignored her caution. I felt that the only way the
guilty parties could be made to realize my distress and
the depth of their own fall would be for me to do some
penance. So I imposed upon myself a fast for seven days
and a vow to have only one meal a day for a period of
four months and a half. Mr. Kallenbach tried to dissuade
me, but in vain. He finally conceded the propriety of the
penance, and insisted on joining me. I could not resist
his transparent affection.
I felt greatly relieved, for the decision meant a
heavy load off my mind. The anger against the guilty
parties subsided and gave place to the purest pity for
them. Thus considerably eased, I reached Phoenix. I made
further investigation and acquainted myself with some
more details I needed to know.
My penance pained everybody, but it cleared the
atmosphere. Everyone came to realize what a terrible
thing it was to be sinful, and the bond that bound me to
the boys and girls became stronger and truer.
A circumstance arising out of this incident compelled
me, a little while after, to go into a fast for fourteen
days, the results of which exceeded even my expectations.
It is not my purpose to make out from these incidents
that it is the duty of a teacher to resort to fasting
whenever there is a delinquency on the part of his
pupils. I hold, however, that some occasions do call for
this drastic remedy. But it presupposes clearness of
vision and spiritual fitness. Where there is no true love
between the teacher and the pupil, where the pupil's
delinquency has not touched the very being of the teacher
and where the pupil has no respect for the teacher,
fasting is out of place and may even be harmful. Though
there is thus room for doubting the propriety of fasts in
such cases, there is no question about the teacher's
responsibility for the errors of his pupil.
The first penance did not prove difficult for any of
us. I had to suspend or stop none of my normal
activities. It may be recalled that during the whole of
this period of penance I was a strict fruitarian. The
latter part of the second fast went fairly hard with me.
I had not then completely understood the wonderful
efficacy of Ramanama , and my capacity for suffering was
to that extent less. Besides, I did not know the
technique of fasting, especially the necessity of
drinking plenty of water, however nauseating or
distasteful it might be. Then the fact that the first
fast had been an easy affair had made me rather careless
as to the second. Thus during the first I took Kuhne
baths every day, but during the second I gave them up
after two or three days, and drank very little water, as
it was distasteful and produced nausea. The throat became
parched and weak and during the last days I could speak
only in a very low voice. In spite of this, however, my
work was carried on through dictation where writing was
necessary. I regularly listened to readings from the
Ramayana and other sacred books. I had also sufficient
strength to discuss and advise in all urgent matters.
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