V. RESULT OF
INTROSPECTION
When, in 1893, I came in close contact with Christian
friends. I was a mere novice. They tried hard to bring
home to me, and make me accept, the message of Jesus, and
I was a humble and respectful listener with an open mind.
At that time I naturally studied Hinduism to the best of
my ability and endeavoured to understand other religions.
In 1903 the position was somewhat changed. Theosophist
friends certainly intended to draw me into their society,
but that was with a view to getting something from me as
a Hindu. Theosophical literature is replete with Hindu
influence, and so these friends expected that I should be
helpful to them. I explained that my Samskrit study was
not much to speak of, that I had not read the Hindu
scriptures in the original, and that even my acquaintance
with the translations was of the slightest. But being
believers in #samskara# (tendencies caused by previous
births) and #punarjanma# (rebirth), they assumed that I
should be able to render at least some help. And so I
felt like a Triton among the minnows. I started reading
Swami Vivekananda's #Rajayoga# with some of these friends
and M. N. Dvivedi's #Rajayoga# with others. I had to read
Patanjali's #Yoga Sutras# with one friend and the
#Bhagavadgita# with quite a number. We formed a sort of
Seekers' Club where we had regular readings. I already
had faith in the Gita, which had a fascination for me.
Now I realized the necessity of diving deeper into it. I
had one or two translations, by means of which I tried to
understand the original Samskrit. I decided also to get
by heart one or two verses every day. For this purpose I
employed the time of my morning ablutions. The operation
took me thirty-five minutes, fifteen minutes for the
tooth brush and twenty for the bath. The first I used to
do standing in western fashion. So on the wall opposite I
struck slips of paper on which were written the Gita
verses and referred to them now and then to help my
memory. This time was found sufficient for memorising the
daily portion and recalling the verses already learnt. I
remember having thus committed to memory thirteen
chapters. But the memorising of the Gita had to give way
to other work and the creation and nurture of Satyagraha,
which absorbed all my thinking time, as the latter may be
said to be doing even now.
What effect this reading of the Gita had on my friends
only they can say, but to me the Gita became an
infallible guide of conduct. It became my dictionary of
daily reference. Just as I turned to the English
dictionary for the meanings of English words that I did
not understand, I turned to this dictionary of conduct
for a ready solution of all my troubles and trials. Words
like #aparigraha# (non- possession) and #samabhava#
(equability) gripped me. How to cultivate and preserve
that equability was the question. How was one to treat
alike insulting, insolent and corrupt officials,
co-workers of yesterday raising meaningless opposition,
and men who had always been good to one? How was one to
divest oneself of all possessions? Was not the body
itself possession enough? Were not wife and children
possessions? Was I to destroy all the cupboards of books
I had? Was I to give up all I had and follow Him?
Straight came the answer: I could not follow Him unless I
gave up all I had. My study of English law came to my
help. Snell's discussion of the maxims of Equity came to
my memory. I understood more clearly in the light of the
Gita teaching the implication of the word 'trustee'. My
regard for jurisprudence increased, I discovered in it
religion. I understood the Gita teaching of
non-possession to mean that those who desired salvation
should act like the trustee who, though having control
over great possessions, regards not an iota of them as
his own. It became clear to me as daylight that
non-possession and equability presupposed a change of
heart, a change of attitude. I then wrote to
Revashankarbhai to allow the insurance policy to lapse
and get whatever could be recovered, or else to regard
the premiums already paid as lost, for I had become
convinced that God, who created my wife and children as
well as myself, would take care of them. To my brother,
who had been as father to me, I wrote explaining that I
had given him all that I had saved up to that moment, but
that henceforth he should expect nothing from me, for
future savings, if any, would be utilized for the benefit
of the community.
I could not easily make my brother understand this. In
stern language he explained to me my duty towards him. I
should not, he said, aspire to be wiser than our father.
I must support the family as he did. I pointed out to him
that I was doing exactly what our father had done. The
meaning of 'family' had but to be slightly widened and
the wisdom of my step would become clear.
My brother gave me up and practically stopped all
communication. I was deeply distressed, but it would have
been a greater distress to give up what I considered to
be my duty, and I preferred the lesser. But that did not
affect my devotion to him, which remained as pure and
great as ever. His great love for me was at the root of
his misery. He did not so much want my money as that I
should be well- behaved towards the family. Near the end
of his life, however, he appreciated my view-point. When
almost on his death-bed, he realized that my step had
been right and wrote me a most pathetic letter. He
apologized to me, if indeed a father may apologize to his
son. He commended his sons to my care, to be brought up
as I thought fit, and expressed his impatience to meet
me. He cabled that he would like to come to South Africa
and I cabled in reply that he could. But that was not to
be. Nor could his desire as regards his sons be
fulfilled. He died before he could start for South
Africa. His sons had been brought up in the old
atmosphere and could not change their course of life. I
could not draw them to me. It was not their fault. 'Who
can say thus far, no further, to the tide of his own
nature?' Who can erase the impressions with which he is
born? It is idle to expect one's children and wards
necessarily to follow the same course of evolution as
oneself.
This instance to some extent serves to show what a
terrible responsibility it is to be a parent.
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