1. Of all the
temptations that ever I met with in my life, to question the being 'of God,' and
truth of his gospel, is the worst, and the worst to be borne; when this
temptation comes, it takes away my girdle from me, and removeth the foundation
from under me: O, I have often thought of that word, "have your loins girt
about with truth"; and of that, "When the foundations are destroyed,
what can the righteous do?"
2. 'Sometimes,
when, after sin committed, I have looked for sore chastisement from the hand of
God, the very next that I have had from him hath been the discovery of his
grace. Sometimes, when I have been comforted, I have called myself a fool for my
so sinking under trouble. And then, again, when I have been cast down, I thought
I was not wise, to give such way to comfort. With such strength and weight have
both these been upon me.'
3. I have
wondered much at this one thing, that though God doth visit my soul with never
so blessed a discovery of himself, yet I have found again, that such hours have
attended me afterwards, that I have been in my spirits so filled with darkness,
that I could not so much as once conceive what that God and that comfort was
with which I have been refreshed.
4. I have
sometimes seen more in a line of the Bible than I could well tell how to stand
under, and yet at another time the whole Bible hath been to me as dry as a
stick; or rather, my heart hath been so dead and dry unto it, that I could not
conceive the least drachm of refreshment, though I have looked it 'all' over.
5. Of all tears,
they are the best that are made by the blood of Christ; and of all joy, that is
the sweetest that is mixed with mourning over Christ. Oh! it is a goodly thing
to be on our knees, with Christ in our arms, before God. I hope I know something
of these things.
6. I find to this
day seven abominations in my heart: 1. Inclinings to unbelief. 2. Suddenly to
forget the love and mercy that Christ manifesteth. 3. A leaning to the works of
the law. 4. Wanderings and coldness in prayer. 5. To forget to watch for that I
pray for. 6. Apt to murmur because I have no more, and yet ready to abuse what I
have. 7. I can do none of those things which God commands me, but my corruptions
will thrust in themselves, "when I would do good, evil is present with
me."
7. These things I continually
see and feel, and am afflicted and oppressed with; yet the wisdom of God doth
order them for my good. 1. They make me abhor myself. 2. They keep me from
trusting my heart. 3. They convince me of the insufficiency of all inherent
righteousness. 4. They show me the necessity of flying to Jesus. 5. They press
me to pray unto God. 6. They show me the need I have to watch and be sober. 7.
And provoke me to look to God, through Christ, to help me, and carry me through
this world. Amen.
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